Romance

Almost everything our culture teaches us from the time that we’re born points us to the idea that romance will save us. This irks me.

When I was growing up, I could be a lonely kid from time to time. I remember saying prayers like “Oh, Jesus, please don’t rapture me before I get to kiss a girl.” Once I had done that it became “please don’t rapture me before I get married so I can have sex at least once.” Later still it was “please bring me a good wife.” I spent large amounts of time greatly concerned with how and when I would fall in love next or who I would ask out on a date next. Too much of my life was built around finding romance, and it all sparked out of some deep insecurity that, in retrospect, came from the fear that I could never be happy alone.

I don’t know if this was my own fault for buying into the myth that romance could save me, or if I should blame the culture that created the myth. It doesn’t really matter. I just wish I didn’t see these same feelings in so many other people. I’ve joined online dating sites in the past, and they are filled with people who seem less interested in who they are going to date than whether or not they actually will date. From conversations I have with my friends and sometimes strangers, I know that these feelings are not exclusive to the type of person who signs up for online dating sites. The ideas aren’t universal, but they’re far more prevalent than we should have ever allowed them to become.

It was December 2008 when I abandoned the idea that romance would save me, though I will not go into the “why” of it in this blog. What is important is that I became comfortable with the idea of being a single man who is not trapped in the search for a mate. I wish I had done it sooner, though I don’t think I could have. It was a pretty major epiphany for me and it required me to let go of a great many things I had always believed to be sacrosanct.

First and foremost was the idea that I was supposed to get married. Or the idea that anybody was “supposed” to get married. The story of “boy meets girl, they fall in love, they get married” is a good story, but it’s become something that is expected (and to many people, required) in the story of a successful life. Lots of people write this story for themselves, in their own heads, from the time they are very young, and I suspect very few of them know why they are doing it. I certainly didn’t know why I did it.

I have been to many, many weddings. I’ve been a guest, a groomsman, a photographer, and, on one notable occasion, a crasher. I have seen people get married who clearly liked each other perfectly fine but didn’t necessarily know why they were there. I’ve seen couples who clearly didn’t know each other that well but seemed to be getting married because they were of age and they figured it was time to be married. Sometimes two people are just incredibly attractive and marry each other because they found someone equally attractive and decided they would never do any better. And apart from all of those, I’ve been to maybe six weddings where I knew with absolute certainty that the only thing these people could have done after they met each other was to fall in love and spend forever together. Maybe six out of at least fifty. Everybody else seemed like they were just following their script.

Maybe I’m being too judgmental, but that’s not my goal. I just know that this is not something I want for myself. I’m not following a script anymore, and I don’t currently plan to ever marry. If I get married, it’s going to be because there was simply nothing else I could do. It won’t be because my girlfriend or her parents or my parents expect it (and bless my parents for never pressuring me about this even once). It will be because I needed it to happen more than I needed it not to happen.

Nowadays, when I go on a date, the goal is not a second date. The goal is to make a connection that is real, and if one can’t be made then there won’t be a second date regardless how attractive the girl is. Maybe this sounds obvious to you, but I’ve been on plenty of third and fourth dates without being able to tell you why I was going on them other than “because she’s hot.” I don’t do that anymore. I’ve been this way since December of 2008, and I like it better this way; I’m much happier, both in and out of relationships.

This wasn’t initially meant to be about me, but it definitely became that way. I’m okay with that.