Cheers. No jeers.

Preface: This entry is for me. It is about me. This is not meant to be a public jab or attack on anyone else or anything they may have said or done, to or in front of me, or even behind my back. If you are reading this and are tempted to take it that way, please stop. That is not the point. It is in fact the OPPOSITE of the point.

That being said and done with, here we go.

I have spent entirely too much time lately participating in conversations whose primary purpose was to assassinate the character of people in my world. Sometimes it's in the interest of finding out what they are doing "wrong" and comes in the form of detached analysis. Other times it's coming from a place of superiority, pointing out the subject's errors and feeling relieved that the actions in question were things I myself would never do. Still other times, it's for the purpose of venting about the latest wrongdoing of someone who may not even realize that they've done anything to offend anyone, much less an entire group of people. I am not proud of any of these. But worst of all are the times when I've participated in a conversation where the subject is ruthlessly torn down simply because those of us there were able to find humor in doing so.

About six weeks ago, in the middle of one of these conversations, after a particularly vicious comment that got a big laugh from the people assembled, a person who isn't around this group all that much looked at us with genuine concern and said, "Wow... what do you guys say about me when I'm not around?"

More recently, someone I'm close to made a very profound statement: "I wonder when I'm going to do something stupid and everyone will stop liking me, too."

These aren't the kinds of thoughts I want people to associate with me. I am loath to admit it, but I've helped create an environment in which people are justified in being afraid to act like themselves around me, and it makes me physically sick to my stomach to think about it. Regardless of how small an effect a person have on your life, if a person is willing to smile and say hello when they see you, you should at least know that the person who is doing so isn't intent on your complete and utter destruction when you're not around. If someone calls you "friend," then it's your responsibility to be a friend to that person. Who am I to decide that someone is not worth my respect and friendship? Just because someone does something that doesn't jive with my particular set of values does not give me the right to debase them when they're not around while I say nothing to their face. I am embarrassed at the number of times in recent memory in which I have done exactly these things. It's just... mean. And it's hurtful. And it cheapens my opinion of myself.

So today I'm making a mission statement.

If I call you a "friend," no matter how loose our affiliation may be, you can rest assured that my behavior to your face is consistent with the things I say when you are not around. I won't participate in a conversation that serves to tear you down, and I will actively defend you rather than see anyone else do otherwise. Most genuinely and sincerely, I am sorry for the times I have not done this, and I hope anyone whose feelings I have inadvertently hurt can forgive me. The world has an infinite amount of material to offer us in terms of conversation, and I have let myself spend too much time reveling in its lowest common denominator. I will not do this anymore.

---

This may be the hardest personal choice I've made in a long time. It's so easy to fall into the trap of trash talk, because every day people do things that I am free to misunderstand or disagree with in some way or another. This is going to require me to up my ante in terms of putting myself in others' shoes, and it is going to require me having the discipline and strength to speak up in a conversation where I myself might be afraid of reproach for the sake of someone who is not there to do it for themselves. It's going to really suck, because I'm going to alienate myself and probably open myself up to the very same kind of attack I am now so tired of seeing used on others. And that stinks.

But I think it's what I have to do. Because I'm tired of not being able to look people in the eye because of something I said about them only hours before. I'm tired of feeling like the strength of my friendship with somebody is based on how long it's been since they've done something "wrong" to me or vice versa. Friendship should not be merit-based. If someone is my friend, they deserve the same level of understanding that I would expect from them in any similar situation. So it's my goal to give them exactly that, 100% of the time from now on.

Cheers.
-John