Apology

It is not enough for an apology to come from feelings of guilt. More important is that it comes from a place of personal change, a sense that what you did interfered with the ways of making good come forth from the universe. Until then you may as well say nothing.

Meditation

is the method by which the consciousness and the organism become one whole.

It is the breath
It is the mind

It's both
It's neither

It is rising

It's a beat

It is falling

And repeat.

In.

Hold.

Out.

Wait.

Strength in.

Hold.

Fear out.

Smile.

:)

A Universe of Ideas

I spend a lot of time on the internet. Since you're here, I'm guessing you do, too.

In fact, I spend so much time on the internet that from time to time I begin to fear that I'm spending *too* much time on the internet, that maybe I need to be out in the world, experiencing life and all it has to offer. But then I realize, I'm not starving for experience; in my lifetime, when something has gotten my attention, I have gone for it. But since I turned 14, I have found my most consistent satisfaction in finding like-minded people to talk to on the internet.

I've noticed that many of my friends have gone through a journey like mine; it starts with an interest in a particular topic, which leads to a particular website, which eventually leads to a community, which then slowly grows into an internet obsession of sorts. My first community was a Legend of Zelda message board. I have a friend whose primary obsession was Star Wars, and that's where he found his community. Many of the girls I've dated found their first community in the message boards of bands they liked. My aunt Nancy seems to have taken to blogs (hi Nancy! :) ). Many, many people have now found their way to social news sites. Some stick to Facebook. I use a place called reddit. Maybe I'm rambling to illustrate my point, so I'll just cut to it: we spend our time on the internet looking for ideas that speak to us. We explore our own minds by finding other minds with which to compare them.

People have done this throughout history, surrounding themselves with like-minded people to achieve common goals. The only difference in this modern age is the sheer SCALE of all of it. I read comments on reddit, not just to see how other people feel about things, but to see if anyone has already successfully communicated in full an idea that I have only partially fleshed out in my own mind. And all too often, someone has! From somewhere else on the planet, be it Australia, Iceland, Canada, or even in the town I already live, someone I've never met (or talked to) has created the exact same thought as me, and often they have done it better. Through this, I learn to refine; I learn to improve and simplify my communication. I let people who have had experiences I'm interested in tell me what they felt about those experiences. I listen, I read, I contemplate, and I learn.

In this universe, we live on the only planet that we know to harbor life, an unlikely anomaly in an endless ocean of darkness and lifelessness. Of the life on this planet, we are the only species among billions that has developed a medium for idea exchange: language. Language, being the most important and distinguishing tool in the vast arsenal that comprises the human intelligence, is the method by which I take thoughts from my mind and implant them into yours, just like this, using the very words you are reading right now. At this moment, you and I are engaged in one-way telepathy. How cool. I mean, just how cool is that?

So. We humans, imbued with ideas and language, have created a global nervous system, a series of wires and cables, through which we engage in massive and unencumbered idea exchange on a scale that is awe-inspiring to such a degree that many of us cannot help but spend hours each day engrossed in all that it has to offer. We learn. We share. We assimilate. And, together, we grow.

We are individual waves, beginning to plumb our own depths, and finding that uniting all of us is an ocean that we never knew we were a part of. We are more than just the universe experiencing itself; we are the universe seeking to know itself, and this tool we have created in the last quarter-century is the most effective method yet we have found to do it with.

Our ideas are our most precious resource; they are the only thing in the universe that can be found nowhere else but here, in the minds of humans. Engaging in this internet is every bit as important a part of the human experience as falling in love, growing a garden, or going for a walk on a spring day. The magnetism of this place only seems inexplicable until you examine it. For those of us who are in love with experience, I cannot imagine there is a better place for finding it than here.

Happy surfing.

Home

I took a trip to Germany a few months ago. I typed this on my phone between opera rehearsals. Today, as I was cleaning out my notes app, it caught my attention and I decided to leave it here to find again later.

I'm at the house in Weimar. Kind of ridiculous but now that I'm here I miss Oklahoma and everybody there. I'm beginning to realize that no matter where I am I find a way to long for a place that is somewhere else. I guess that's the dirty travel secret nobody tells you about. You start to leave little pieces of yourself in all the places you visit. As you get further and further spread out, it becomes impossible to ever be completely whole again. My love for places like Waco, Puerto Viejo, Weimar, New Orleans, California, and Hinton all coexist and fight for supremacy depending on which of those longings has been stoked most recently. When I'm hot in the Oklahoma summer I consider the mildness of the Costa Rican climate, and struggling with language barriers in foreign countries always makes me long for home.

They say you can't go home again, and that is the difficulty with letting yourself make homes all over the world. Being a tourist is tough for me, so in my head I make new "homes" all the time. I latch on to experiences; I let them be significant.

Me.

I am accepting of others.
I am casual.
I am compassionate.
I am enthusiastic.
I am expressive.
I am imaginative.
I am methodical.
I am pressure-prompted.
I am reflective.
I am spontaneous.
I am tender.

I apply logic.
I ask questions.
I initiate.

I like people.
I like theories.
I like open-ended things.

I think abstractly.
I think in concepts.

I value authenticity.

Hello. I'm John Carmack.